Holy Hell is Everywhere

     This past few weeks have been tainted by this project. It's become apart of my life the way that most projects do. This project is a little different, though. I've been thinking a lot about the film. 

    The documentary I watched, "Holy Hell," featured a group of people who became apart of a cult in the 80's. The film shows how it all began so innocent and slowly, over the course of 20 years, it began to unravel. 

    Watching the film, I couldn't help but wonder in what ways we're being played the same way the people in the cult were being played by their leader. In the end of the film, we find out that the leader had been sexually abusive to most of the men in the group, aside from slowly becoming a self involved dictator. 

    Of course, I'm sure most of us aren't being played this harshly. But I do believe that so many people are being manipulated by politicians, church leaders, celebrities, even. In previous posts I've briefly mentioned growing up in a church I now don't see eye to eye with. I left the church two years ago, ad began my dissent from it years before that, but watching this film, I couldn't help but see the similarities between the cult and the church I grew up in. 

    It took me years to see the shortcomings, the hypocrisies, and lies I was being fed day after day. I used to be an incredibly loyal member of the is church. Looking back on who I was then makes me cringe. It was all because I was being blinded to what was happening. 

    I suppose what I learned from this was to take a closer look at what we all just accept to be true. Take a look at what we believe. You never know what could be under the surface. 

Life is a Highway.. and I screamed the whole way down.

     Yesterday marked the very first time I drove on the highway. It was an accident, and I screamed the entire way through, but I did it.. twice. (Both occasions were accidental) Now, I think I'll awkwardly morph this into a metaphor for life. 

    My roommate and I were on our way to Target. Because I'm direction-ally challenged and can get nowhere without the help of my GPS, I asked her to pull hers up and lead us there. Unfortunately, the fact that my GPS is set to avoid highways slipped my mind. It went a little like this: "Wait, is this the highway? IS THIS THE HIGHWAY?!" That's when I screamed a lot. On the way back, I had grown from the experience and used my GPS to get us home. That growth didn't prevent me from taking a wrong turn and ending back up on the highway. This experience went similarly. 

    Once safe on the moderately slow-driven roads, I took inventory of what had just happened. I realized a few things: 

1. My driving instructor may have been a bit generous in giving me my license when she did. 

2. I hate driving on the highway.

2. Whether you're prepared for it or not, life is gonna throw some crazy at you. Sometimes you just have to scream your way through it. 

    I hear a lot that life will prepare you for the struggles that you go through. That's what my mom always told me. Sorry, mom. I think you might be wrong on this one. I think life does prepare you for some things- just not everything. Like, for example, a trip down an unknown highway for the very first time after dark. Life doesn't always prepare you for that. 

    But I'm starting to understand that might be okay. I'm alive, aren't I? I definitely made a memory, and I might even be a little less terrified the next time I unwittingly drive onto 80/94. I've always joked that my mantra is "fake it till you make it." But when it comes down to it, isn't that what we all do? It's certainly what I do. You just have to try a little, and act like everything is fine till it is. 

    You can scream on the inside all you want, just tell yourself you know what you're doing on the outside. I screamed like it might be my last day inside my car, but from the outside all you could see was a beat up Toyota drifting into its lane like everyone else. And you know what? I made it- all the way to Target to spend money unnecessarily and all the way back. 

    Life is a highway. So just make sure your seat belt's on, your mirror's adjusted, and you can scream the whole way through. 

"I would rather have 30 minutes of wonderful than a whole lifetime of nothing special"

    This week involved a lot of firsts for me: my first move, my first time living without my parents, and my first real performance outside of high school. After graduating high school and deciding to attend IUN, I was very disappointed with the college experience. What I was always told would be the time of my life was nothing more than a few tired professors assigning busy work before sending us on our way. I decided I needed something else in my life. I felt like I was only getting by, doing what I was told, going to bed, and waking up to do it all over again. 

    When auditions opened for Steel Magnolias, a show centered around a diabetic in her 20s, it felt like a sign. I was made for that role. You see, I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes at 5 years old and have struggled with it ever since. I'm not a normal diabetic- my diabetes came with a string of other illnesses and the diabetes itself has never been well managed. 16 years following the diagnosis, and three doctors later, I'm still faced with a disease that threatens my life and impacts me every single day. 

    But here's the good news: I got the part! I was absolutely thrilled! Once I found out, I was told by the directors to watch the movie and get an idea of what dialect they wanted my character to speak in... That's when I discovered how the show ends. Spoiler alert: my character dies... from complications of her diabetes. 

    Finding this out made the role a litter harder to swallow. Of course, I was still delighted to be on stage, but I wasn't sure how dying of diabetes every night was going to affect my mental health. To make things a bit tougher, I was diagnosed with Diabetic Retinopathy, the slow degeneration of the eyes due to diabetic instability, that week. Needless to say, I was having a hard time. 

    Now here comes the good part. In the middle of all this, I began the process of moving on campus. I was welcomed by incredible roommates, classes I actually enjoyed, and new friends. As for the show, it was going so smoothly. I gained new friends in my cast mates and felt the rush of being on stage every night. Little by little I began to realize how lucky I was. I have a wonderful family, I'm having a wonderful experience in college, and I'm fortunate to be playing a role that does suit my situation. I was learning from my character, as crazy as that sounds. One of the most impactful lines in the show, and the title of this post comes from her: "I would rather have 30 minutes of wonderful than a whole lifetime of nothing special." 

    Yes, I struggle with my health. I wasn't born with a body that works the way it should. But I'm living the life now that the Izzy who was miserable after high school dreamed of. Maybe I won't live to be 70 years old, but I can guarantee the years I do live will be something really special.
 

"Holy Hell" Guided Reflection

1. Was there a specific scene that got to you? Describe and explain how it moved you (Angry? Curious? Delighted? Motivated?). Give a lot of detail, and really dive in to how it affected you. Don’t hold back.

There wasn’t one scene in particular that stands out, but a few: every scene in which you saw Andreas, this “Master” preaching, or teaching to his disciples. It was disturbing to watch the way he so effortlessly spoke to these people. The look in his eyes is almost haunting. It’s like there was no feeling there, despite him teaching what was supposed to be so profound. His eyes are just so lifeless and cold as he’s taking years away from these peoples’ lives. He made them slaves and you can see that he doesn’t feel a thing. 

Watching him was like watching a shell of a human being. It’s just frightening to see that people like that do exist. He was lifeless, and narcissistic to the point of what I consider to be evil. He was a sociopath and these people followed him. He had so much power that it’s hard to wrap my head around it. 

2. What surprised you? Why do you think it caught you off guard?

There was a particular scene in which a woman was sending a message to Andreas once he had left to find a safer place. She had said that she was so deeply in love with him and that there was no meaning in her life except him. What struck me about this was that that should’ve been the moment she realized this wasn’t about God or companionship or inner peace. It’s one thing to care about someone who has been important to your life and growth or even to love them. But to say there’s no meaning in your life outside of that person? And not a single person questioned it to that point. To me, it was screamingly evident that things had gone wrong in that scene and somehow, these disciples’ dedication only grew from that point forward.

3. What questions remain after the viewing? What feelings stayed with you after the film? Did they “pop up” in your life in unexpected ways? When? How? What was that like?

From the beginning of the film, I knew something would go wrong. But as soon as I started to figure out exactly what that was, I couldn’t stop wondering if this was “the Master” or “the Teacher’s” plan from the beginning? Did he spend years cultivating this trust in order to get where he is now? The kind of patience, narcissism, and utter insanity that would take just astounds me. I wonder when the abuse started and I have so many questions about “The Master’s” background. I can’t help but assume he suffered some form of abuse himself. He was obviously homosexual- did some of this psychosis stem from the sense of shame he must of felt in that time period?

Seeing people so easily manipulated makes me wonder where we fall into similar situations on a lesser scale. These were not unintelligent people. We’re just human and are often easily swayed. Our minds are easily toyed with.

4. Why might we avoid including research in our summaries? What could go wrong?

Avoiding research in summaries is important because a summary is meant to only be about what you have seen, read, or heard. A summary is a brief synopsis of a particular piece of material. Including research would go against the point and could taint the information you are trying to get across.